get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
This is the high leading the old right now
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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