Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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