the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
