Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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