Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
