Why is your signature on my underwear?
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Randomize
