I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I'm at about main and main street
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Randomize
