i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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