imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
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