the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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