Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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