I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
