I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
