we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Well I just put wine in my tea
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
