Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
