Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Randomize
