He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
