My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
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