I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
