Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
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