i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of j�ger and an empty bed here Friday.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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