i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
So here I am, sexting at work.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
