so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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