Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
