Sacagawea was the original milf.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
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