so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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