halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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