hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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