Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
