Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Randomize
