Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I am available for nakedness
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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