Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
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