i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Randomize
