You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I don't deserve a penis
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
