so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
Randomize
