I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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