Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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