I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
