Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
