I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
