I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Found your dick twin last night
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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