we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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