His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
