Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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