I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Randomize
