Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Randomize
