I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
