dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
You're a waste of cheezeits
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
