so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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