I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Randomize
